A couple of days ago I mentioned how I felt low and wanted to shake things up. I haven't really shaken much up aside from deleting and logging out of many of my social media platforms. But internally there is a maelstrom of change that will affect me in a big way. That, I can clearly see even when everything else feels obscured. I am at a critical juncture in my life after all, with only a few dollars to my name and a need, a dire need to change the direction my life has been headed in for the last three years.
That said, I've had a good last few days and that has sorted me out a little bit. Some intimate time with a lady friend and hanging with my closest friends for a few days, simply riffing and playing some games with my four non-blood brothers. I often forget to enjoy such simple pleasures in pursuit of whatever I'm pursuing, but these euphoric couple of days has instilled within me just how important true friendship and intimacy can be. I won't soon forget that.
It all culminated in a wicked snowstorm that broke out just as I contemplated returning home. Needless to say, my trip back was adventurous. The scene above shows the conditions I walked home in. Those 3-4 inches of snow you see were very wet, as it began as rain and shifted into the biggest snowflakes I'd ever seen in only a few hours time. Despite being happy and beyond that, grateful, I felt that the sudden storm captured my inner turmoil perfectly. Those same two friends I was hanging out with, I was letting down. We'd had a plan to move out together and buy a house, but I could not keep my end of the bargain. My recent book sales were simply too paltry to do so and now I didn't even feel that Detroit was the proper place to foster the growth that I so desperately needed. But honestly, none of that mattered.
The old me would bask in that negativity brewing within, but now it was a simple passenger. I had no desire to complicate things. I felt good, my feet were cold, and it was time to go home. That's all.
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| Schizophrenic Michigan weather only a few seconds after the first photo |
There's a lot on the horizon now in my life. I'm ready to let some things go and to embrace some aspects of the "real" world that I've been refusing for as long as I can remember. For me, it's literally sink or swim, so I have to choose my next move carefully. Absolutely one thing is certain. It is time to embrace the real, what can be truly felt, even if it brings overwhelming hardship. That is infinitely better than a daily dose of illusory panacea.
BW
3/2/18
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