Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Kindle Book Preview: Average Joe and the Extraordinaires

What a bore!

Buzz Buzz Buzz!
The alarm clock seemed louder than ever before and Joe had to karate chop the big snooze button to save his sleepy state.

Joe: “Dang it!  Just a few more minutes.”

Nine minutes later the buzzing came back but this time Joe was ready to get up.  The morning went by in a blur.  Joe vaguely remembered taking a shower, having cereal, and watching T.V but not really paying attention to what was on.

He left his house and walked to the car which was parked on the street.  His dutiful girlfriend Kate had returned it—his parents said—after the whole stadium incident.  He still hadn’t seen or talked to her since and wasn’t sure what he’d say the next time that he did.

He got into his car and turned on the ignition.  It jumped to life but it felt different.  Everything felt different.  The drive to school went by in a blur.  Joe vaguely remembered seeing street signs, a stop light, a slow old lady crossing the street, traffic lights, more traffic lights, and a cute girl with red hair in the school’s parking lot.  She smiled at him.  Her red hair reminded him of Kate but Kate’s was naturally red, he couldn’t say the same about this girl.

The walk through the school went by in a blur.  There were plenty of staring faces everywhere he went, much chatter, some laughter, and many whispers.  No one talked directly to him but Joe knew that they were talking about him.

He had shifted through the halls and was almost near his locker when he bumped into two guys that he was distantly familiar with but had never talked to before.  It’d actually be more accurate to say that they bumped into him.  He had known them as Fleez and Dozz and they were to be avoided.

Fleez: “Uh-oh!  Badass alert!  Clear the hallway peasants lest you want to be just another victim.”

Dozz: “That’s not fair Fleez.  He’s been acquitted of his crimes.  That makes us the only badasses setting off alarms here.”

Fleez: “He’s been acquitted of half his crimes so he’s a badass until proven innocent.  How ‘bout it Joe?  Wanna join the likes of us and raise hell?”

Fleez stuck his hand out.

Joe: “Sorry but your friend is right.  I’m not a badass.  I’m just a regular guy.  Excuse me I have to get to class.”

Joe sheepishly pushed past them and walked down the hall.  Further down he caught a flash of her red hair and saw her, she was facing her locker.  He stood still and wide-eyed like a deer in the headlights.  She turned and looked in his direction and they locked eyes but only briefly.  She turned her head and walked away down the opposite end of the hall.

The rest of the day went by in a blur until lunch when he bumped into the principal, Mr. Patrias.

Mr. Patrias: “So Joe, you’ve decided to join us in the land of the learning?”

Patrias laughed at his own joke but Joe didn’t find it so funny.

Joe: “Yes sir.”

Mr. Patrias: “Well I’m glad you’re in good health and that this whole ordeal is behind you.  Now you can get back on track to academic excellence.”

Joe: “Yes sir.”

Mr. Patrias: “Remember Joe, towing the line won’t cut it anymore.  I won’t have it here at my school.  I’ll be on your case until you’re just as bright and competitive as my best.”

Joe: “Yes sir.”

Mr. Patrias: “If you follow that we’ll finally see eye to eye.  I know you can do it.”

Principal Patrias smiled using only his lips.

Mr. Patrias: “Now go get some lunch and fuel up for the rest of your classes.”

Joe walked away from the principal feeling ill at ease.  As Patrias had alluded to earlier, neither he nor Joe had seen eye to eye since he was Joe’s teacher back in elementary school.  Joe honestly didn’t think the man liked him—ever.  He opted to get on with his day however and grabbed some lunch. 

Lunch was a standard affair, corndogs and tater tots.  Brussels sprouts were there too but who wanted those?  Joe grabbed his tray and looked for a place to sit.  He usually split his seating arrangements between Mod and his friends and the OrangeTown High benchwarmers.  The benchwarmers were usually good company and had much to say about football, which Joe liked, but today he didn’t feel like answering all the questions that they were sure to ask.  Plus even as benchwarmers they were too high profile for him right now.  He wanted to be as incognito as possible.

He spotted Mod sitting with only a few of his friends at their usual spot.  He wanted to make sure that Mod was doing okay and to also gauge the temperature of Kate.

Joe: “Hey Mod!”

Mod: “Wow Joe!  You can talk?  I can’t believe it!  It must be a miracle because I could’ve sworn this whole time that your vocal cords were stolen by the government or Aliens or Australians.”

Joe: “Very funny Mod.  You know I would’ve called if I could.”

Joe took a seat across from Mod and was again treated to the stares, whispers, and giggles of those around him.

Mod: “Well then why didn’t you?  It’s been almost two weeks since the stadium and they proved your innocence days ago.  Why am I just now talking to you?”

Joe: “I’m sorry.  It’s just…you know…I needed time.  I still need time to deal with everything that happened.”

Mod: “And that’s just it, nobody knows what happened.  None of us know what you saw or why you stayed.”

Joe: “And I can’t tell you for good reasons.”

Mod: “That bad huh?”

Joe: “Yeah…”

Mod: “I’m fine with that, not too sure about Kate though.”

Joe: “You and me both.  But I’m telling you, the less you and her know the safer you’ll be.”

Mod: “I wish I was there with you.  Whatever happened, you shouldn’t have faced it alone.”

Joe: “It’s okay Mod.  I wasn’t alone.  Just hearing you say that though makes me feel a lot better.  I’m just glad you two got out safely.”

Mod nodded.

Joe: “I’m going to lay low until this all blows over.  As you can see I’m a little too popular today.”

Mod grinned.

Mod: “You can never be too popular.”

Joe: “I don’t like the spotlight as much as you do.  For now I’ll let you enjoy your food, free of stares.”

Mod: “Psshaw, you kidding me?  I’ve never been gawked at by so many hot babes before in my life.  Stay!  Heck, I might even get a phone number out of this.”

Joe laughed.

Joe: “You’ll never change Mod, I swear.”

Mod: “Change?  Why do that?  When life gives you lemons eh…”

Joe: “Yeah…”

They talked for a while about Mod’s girl troubles mostly, until they were interrupted.  Fleez and Dozz had pushed themselves into the table the boys were sitting at, each on another side of Mod.  One of Mod’s friends ended up being pushed from the end of the bench when Fleez and Dozz sat down, his lunch fell to the floor with him.

Fleez: “I just came over here to continue our conversation from earlier Josephus.  It didn’t exactly end on the right footing.  For one you didn’t let me explain my terms.”

Mod looked extremely uncomfortable between the two boys.  Joe had only now just noticed how big they both were.  Both Fleez and Dozz were over 6 foot but Fleez was a lot bulkier.  He was now wearing a green tank top and Joe took note of how chiseled and large his biceps were.  With that in mind he had no idea why he was going to say but he was about to say.

Joe: “My answer is still no.  I have a lot on my mind right now.”

Dozz: “He’s definitely got balls Fleez.”

Fleez: “Well he wouldn’t be the badass we know he is without ‘em.  Now listen Joe, the truth of the matter is you don’t have much of a choice here.  Wait—no, that aint right.  You have a lot of choices but they aren’t the ones you think you have.  We have choices too.  We could just make you join us and easily establish our own badassery that way but you’d probably just let us and that’s no fun.  It wouldn’t get us anywhere either.  So me and Dozz here—whoops—sorry, Dozz and I, will instead make a friend of your friend.  Yeah this little guy here.”

Fleez patted Mod on the shoulder and Dozz gave him a few rough slaps on his back.

Fleez: “He’ll be our little ‘friend’ for the rest of his high school life or until you come to your senses.”

Dozz: “I’ve always wanted a little red headed brother.  What color do you think his hair would turn if we burned it?”

Fleez: “Good question Dozz!  We should find out, you know how the principal’s always going on about academic curiosity and whatnot.”

They both got up laughing.  Mod looked mortified especially after Dozz gave his shoulder another tap.

Fleez: “Here’s a little demo Josephus.”

Fleez took out a mason jar from a brown paper bag that he had.  He unscrewed the lid and produced a wad of something that filled the air with a horrid and bitter odor.  Dozz followed suit.  Loudly and in tandem they proclaimed:

“Welcome, everyone, to pukeball; everyone’s favorite wacky, wretched, and whacked out event.  We are your hosts.”

Fleez: “Fleez!”

Dozz: “And Dozz!”

Fleez: “Today’s guest is Mod which is short for…”

Dozz: “Mod—er, or maybe Modicum as in modicum of girls that like him, modicum of athletic talent, modicum of coolness—”

Fleez: “Or maybe just words that he’ll never hear from a girl ever.  Haha get it Dozz, get it?  Cuz when you break it down it sounds like Mod-I-oh nevermind!”

The kids at the other tables ate up the act and howled with laughter throughout.  Finally an adult had come by. It was Mr. Serano the math teacher.  He typically monitored the lunchroom during Joe’s lunch period.  Kids usually despised when he approached their table but Joe welcomed it today.  Finally an end to this craziness, Joe thought.

Mr. Serano: “Keep it down you two.”

Fleez: “Aww man.  You’re gonna stop pukeball?”

Mr. Serano: “Did I say that?  I said keep it down.”

Mr. Serano looked at Joe and walked back to the front of the lunch room where he sat.  Fleez smiled a nasty smile and pumped his fist.  Joe was speechless, so was Mod.

Fleez: “Now Dozz let’s continue.”

He and Dozz held up the nasty wads in their hands for all to see.

Dozz: “Behold exhibit A, the fabled pukeball.  It slithers with life in my hand.  It wants…it wants to splat…real good.”

Fleez: “Without further ado, here’s the main event!”

With that they chucked the fowl smelling wads at Mod which splattered gross grayish-green colored muck all over him.  Everyone that was sitting at the table including Joe shuffled away from the havoc.  Fleez and Dozz threw the wads with such force that Mod stumbled over to the ground as one caught him as he tried to dodge.

They were more vicious with the second round and decided to coat his face with the stuff.  Joe watched in horror at what they did to his friend and then it all stopped and Mod was standing and covered from head to toe with muck.  He kept his hands in front of his face in case they weren’t finished.  Joe decided then that he’d grab Mod and get the heck out of dodge.  He walked two steps before he saw Kate and stopped in his tracks.  She grabbed up Mod, her eyes never leaving him, and whispered something to him, most likely to console him.  Joe couldn’t tell what she was saying over all the laughter.  They were gone in a heartbeat.

Dozz: “Fear not serfs.  All you innocent casualties can rest knowing that no real puke was used in this spectacle only mustard, vinegar, old mayonnaise, pickle juice, and shame.”

Fleez looked at Joe grinning while Dozz continued.

Dozz: “Don’t miss our next show, we’re here all day folks.”