The Dating
Game
Joe’s meeting with Principal Patrias had
gone much worse than expected. He was
now the principal’s target, and the principal wanted him gone. One good thing was accomplished because of
the meeting though. It had taken up so
much time that Joe’s English class had ended and it was now time for lunch, or
rather Fleez and Dozz happy hour. He
didn’t think he could stomach whatever cruel game they had planned for
today. He wanted to skip lunch
altogether, but he was hungry, and if he was going to stay awake in class he’d
need a lot more energy. Most of all, he
needed to be there for Mod.
Once he grabbed his lunch and strolled to
his usual seat, he saw no sign of Mod. That’s mighty smart of him, thought
Joe. No sign of Fleez and Dozz either,
and that lifted the weight from the pit of Joe’s stomach. He was able to eat half his lunch of ravioli
and steamed buttery broccoli, which wasn’t half as bad as it looked.
Fleez and Dozz walked in theatrically about
twenty minutes later. They looked sad
and sullen, but in an overacted sort of way.
They joined Joe near his mostly empty table and gave him more of their
sad and piteous looks. Joe tried, but
failed to ignore them. Mod isn’t here, so what will they do? he
wondered. There were a few other kids to
pick on at the table, but Joe couldn’t really call them his friends. Maybe Fleez and Dozz would actually direct
their wrath towards him. Joe would
welcome it, since he was the one deserving of it anyway. Maybe I
should just join their stupid club, he thought.
Fleez: “Excuse me, all, if I could get your
attention! Womenfolk and gentler men,
all eyes over here!”
It was another performance and it made Joe
uneasy.
Fleez: “Well, it seems that even though we
put on a great show yesterday, our red-headed guest wants no part in the joy
that we bring to the masses, to our loving fans and subjects. We have been searching for him since this
lunch hour—which is also his lunch hour—began.”
Again, they poured on the fake sadness.
Dozz: “Unfortunately, the show for today is
cancelled…”
Boos echoed throughout the lunchroom.
Fleez: “Is what Dozz would’ve said if I
didn’t have our loyal minion, Byron rox-yer-sox, marching Mod to this very
lunchroom.”
Cheers rang out louder than the boos this
time. Mr. Serano was nowhere in sight to
even keep the noise level in check.
Fleez smiled like a madman and took a bow. He rose and took another one on his other
side.
Mod was brought in and didn’t seem to be offering
any resistance to his captor, the humanoid gorilla, Byron. Byron was roughly the size of three Mods put
together, not in height, but in stone weight.
He was taller than Mod, but one really couldn’t say he had anything but
average height. His arms, legs, head,
and belly were all wide. He had a head
full of dark brown hair that had likely not come into contact with a comb in
some time. His black eyes were small and
beady, but looked even smaller hidden behind the excess of his fleshy cheeks
and brow. He escorted Mod to where Fleez
and Dozz were standing. Once they
arrived, the kids cheered louder.
Fleez: “Now that the gang’s here, how about
a bit of history, kids? We can actually
thank good old Joe for all this fun.
These great lunchroom games are a direct cause of him deciding not to
join team Badd Azz. Let’s have a big
round of applause for Joe. I think he
likes this more than all of us.”
The kids of the lunchroom applauded and
Fleez savored the moment. He grinned and
motioned for Byron to bring Mod over.
Fleez: “Hiya, Modrick! Sorry for your loss.”
Mod: “What loss?”
Fleez: “The loss of your dignity yesterday. That must’ve stung the ol’ ego, aye? It got a little out of hand, I’ll admit, and
the mess we caused was catastrophic. How
long did it take you to clean all that pukeball crud up?”
Joe noticed that Mod looked like he was
suppressing a grin. Fleez noticed as
well, and seemed surprised by it.
Mod: “Not long. As you can see I’m looking and smelling very
clean today.”
Fleez: “That’s good. Yesterday Dozz and I were just having a bit
of fun. Today is serious business
though. You see, Modrick, we want to
help you.”
Mod's near grin was replaced by shock and
confusion. Something about the way Fleez
said that made Mod uneasy. Fleez turned
his attention from Mod to the crowd.
Fleez: “We’re here today to help this poor
soul find happiness.”
Neither Mod nor Joe knew what the heck to
expect next.
Fleez: “So, Mod, let’s take a little time
to get to know you. Sure, we bonded a
bunch yesterday, but we still need to learn the particulars. Now, I’ve been told that your parents are
from a land called Limeyville, where they have Lobsterbacks”
Mod: “Yeah, but I was born in the States”
Fleez: “Tsk tsk tsk, Modrick. Mind your manners now. You should never interrupt a man when he’s
talking. Haven’t your Limey parents
taught you that? Now, you’ve been in
Orangetown a while, but no one knows who you are. That’s pretty sad, pal.”
The crowd reacted with an audible round of
“Awww,” as if they were the audience in some nineties’ sitcom. That stung at Mod a bit, Joe could tell.
Fleez: “That’s okay, though. That’s why Dozz and I are here — oh, and
Byron too — sorry Byron! We’re gonna
hook you up, man. Big time. Aint that right, boys?”
Dozz and Byron nodded their heads. Both were smirking and clearly enjoying the
spectacle.
Fleez: “Now, Dozz, would you care to
explain the rules of our hook-up challenge?”
Dozz: “Certainly, Fleez. You see there’s a science and an art to
hooking up. The theory is that men and
women attract studs and studesses that are as hot and rich as themselves. We call this a person’s ‘league.’”
He used air quotes every time he said the
word “league.”
Dozz: “Whenever you fellas see a girl too
hot for you and you walk away: that’s you recognizing that she’s out of your
‘league’ and you walk away to protect yourself from soul-crushing
rejection. So, with that in mind, we’ve
compiled a list of Mod’s traits and have calculated which girls are in his
‘league.’ I’m happy to say that we’ve
found a match.”
Fleez: “Yes, indeed we have, folks, but we
can’t have our bachelor seeing her before he gets to know her. We here at Badd Azz Hook-ups pride ourselves
on helping others find deeper connections that go beyond physical
attraction. And so ... we will blindfold
our bachelor as he and our bachelorette get to know one another. So bachelorette number one, MBH, please come
on down.”
As she rose from her seat, Joe recognized
MBH as Meribeth Hilday. She was a
freshman like Mod, but Joe knew her from middle school and elementary
school. She used to be very spirited and
rambunctious and full of jokes, but had mellowed over the years into the quiet
and timid girl that she was now. As she
walked over to team Badd Azz, she was visibly nervous. They pulled chairs for both of them and sat
her back-to-back with Mod. She looked at
Fleez sheepishly, and waited for whatever he had planned for her. Fleez himself flashed her a big grin and
winked at her. The crowd laughed when
she sat down, and that seemed to make her more self-conscious.
She wasn’t what you’d call a small girl,
but Joe thought it was wrong to call her fat, not morally wrong but logically
wrong. She was reasonably tall, just
under Kate, but had a much thicker waistline, thicker arms and legs, along with
wider hips. She had a squat sort of
shape to her, which made her look much bigger than what she was, along with a
humongous set of breasts and a big round butt.
Her sandy blonde hair was always tied into a knot or a ponytail, she had
a large hooked nose on her face, and her eyes a dark brown look to them. Though she wasn’t the standard type of
“beautiful girl” that the region was known for, Joe still found her to be
attractive. The only major turn-off that
he could find was the outbreak of acne that pocked her face with a multitude of
tiny red dots. She was cute elsewise.
Joe was confused as to why she was humoring
these two. Is it something as simple as fear, he wondered.
Fleez: “Now we shall help the love birds
get to know one another. Mod’s gonna be
in for a HUGE surprise.”
The crowd laughed at that, and Meribeth
flushed red.
Fleez: “Now, Dozz, take it away with the
introductions.”
Dozz: “Will do, Fleez! First we have our very lovely bachelorette here
who loves moonlit walks to KFC and Dairy Queen, except without the
walking. Her favorite place to shop is
the dollar menu, and not because she likes to save money — no, it’s because she
lives by the motto: “Quantity over quality.”
Her favorite physical activity is something exotic called no-nay. Whoops, sorry! I believe I have mispronounced that, her
favorite physical activity is actually “none.” Yes, none, folks. Dislikes for her include cooking — because
there’s a wait involved — and not being loved.
Her favorite date spot is the drive-in, which is pretty romantic —
whoops again! I misread that. It looks like her favorite date spot is
actually the drive thru. It doesn’t
specify which one, so I assume that means any and possibly all drive thrus. What a catch!
She doesn’t discriminate and is easy to please. On Saturday nights she likes to splash around
wearing the bikini that she bought for that special day when she’d make some
friends and they could all hang out by the pool. Hey, we all have our dreams. Stop
laughing! She also spends most of
Saturday pretending to play slurpy-face with rad boys, especially ones with rad
red hair. What a catch, aye guys?”
Hoots, laughs, and whistles came from the
crowd, along with a bit of foot stamping and there was still no sign of Mr.
Serano or even Mr. Zero Tolerance Patrias.
The faculty picked the wrong time to decide not to do their jobs. Joe had seen enough. He walked up to Fleez and asked him to end
it.
Fleez: “It’s out of my hands, Joe-bro. This is Dozz’s show now.”
Dozz was too busy reveling in this
spectacle to notice Joe.
Dozz: “Now for the man of the hour. The down-on-his-luck bachelor, Modicum
Malington.”
Cheers erupted from the crowd, and Joe
could swear that he saw the beginnings of a smile cross Mod’s face. Joe himself was feeling embarrassed, and he
wasn’t the one being humiliated. How
could Mod even slightly enjoy this?
Dozz: “Now Modicum’s likes include
pretending to be Ronald Weasley, wishing he was Fleez and Dozz and sometimes
Byron, girls he can’t have, and an unreachable popularity status. His dislikes include himself, life, not
feasting on souls, you, his haircut, his evil soulless ginger body, and having
friends that won’t join team Badd Azz.
His favorite date spot is his mom and dad’s room cuz that’s where all
the magic happens. On his Saturday
nights, he likes to make out with his elbows, which is a talent really. You ever try that? It’s very difficult to do. He also builds Taylor Swift idols with his
Lego collection, prays for popularity, and watches whole seasons of Glee that he’s personally recorded and
sings to. What insane girl here doesn’t
want to friend-zone that?”
A roar of laughter went up from around the
lunchroom. That was it, Joe had to get
him out of there. He left Fleez where he
stood laughing and walked towards Mod’s chair.
He looked to his right and saw Kate stomping towards the scene just like
yesterday, except this time much angrier.
She looked at Joe with murder in her eyes, shook her head, and grabbed her
brother by the arm, pulling him from the chair.
Kate: “What are you doing? Get up!”
Dozz: “Hey, chicky! We were in the middle of a hook-up here.”
Kate: “You two can do that just fine
without my brother. Let’s go, Mod!”
She pulled and he followed. Joe ran after them this time. Boos reverberated around the lunchroom as
they dashed towards the exit.
Fleez: “It looks like big sister red didn’t
approve of you, Meribeth, and if she doesn’t approve then we don’t
approve. Sorry, Meribeth, but it looks
like you’ve been dumped before you even got to go on a date. Harsh.”
“Awwww,” offered the crowd.
Fleez: “Now that was…”
Fleez and Dozz: “Off the hook!”
Joe looked back just in time to see
Meribeth Hilday break down into tears.
